8 Things Grandchildren Secretly Love Hearing From Their Grandparents, According to Psychologists

Sharing is caring!

Picture this. Your teenage grandson shows up for Sunday dinner. Usually, getting more than “fine” or “good” out of him feels like pulling teeth. But today, you ask, “So what’s the best thing that happened to you this week?” And he actually starts talking. About his friends, a funny thing his teacher said, a game he’s been playing. Ten minutes later, he’s still going.

Moments like that matter more than you might think. Researchers have found that when grandkids and grandparents are close, both sides tend to feel happier and less down. One study from Boston College found that this kind of bond helps protect both generations from feeling sad and lonely.

Here’s the thing, though. Kids almost never tell you what they love hearing from you. Especially once they hit the tween and teen years. They might shrug or roll their eyes, but certain words stick with them. Psychologists say the things grandparents say can shape how kids see themselves, how safe they feel, and how much they believe they matter.

So what are those words? Here are eight things grandkids secretly love hearing, why they work so well, and how to say them in a way that fits your grandchild’s age.

1. “I’m so proud of how hard you worked on that.”

Most of us grew up hearing things like “You’re so smart!” or “You’re a natural!” It feels like a nice thing to say. But it turns out there’s a better kind of praise.

Psychologist Carol Dweck spent years studying how kids react to different kinds of praise. She found that when kids are praised for being smart or talented, they often start to worry about losing that label. So they avoid hard things, because what if they fail and people stop thinking they’re smart?

But when kids are praised for their effort, something different happens. They learn that trying hard is what counts. That makes them more willing to take on tough challenges and keep going when things get hard. They also learn that one bad grade or a lost game doesn’t make them a failure.

That’s why “I’m proud of how hard you worked” hits differently than “You’re so talented.” It tells your grandchild that you see them, not just their results.

How to say it: Be specific. Instead of a quick “Good job,” point out exactly what you noticed. For example:

• “You kept practicing that song even when it was frustrating. That’s not easy.”
• “I saw how much time you spent on that science project. You really stuck with it.”
• “You didn’t win, but you played hard the whole game. I loved watching that.”

Little details show you were really paying attention. And to a kid, that can mean everything.

2. “Let me tell you a story about our family.”

Kids love a good story. And the best ones might be the true stories from your own family.

Back in the early 2000s, two researchers at Emory University, Marshall Duke and Robyn Fivush, wanted to know if family stories made a difference for kids. So they made a list of 20 simple questions, like “Do you know where your grandparents grew up?” and “Do you know how your parents met?” Then they asked kids to answer them.

The kids who knew more about their family’s history felt better about themselves. They also felt more in control of their lives and were better at bouncing back when things went wrong.

Why would that be? Hearing these stories helps kids feel like they’re part of something bigger than just themselves. They’re not just one kid figuring life out alone. They belong to a whole family that’s been through a lot and kept going.

The researchers found the stories that help most are the ones with ups and downs. Not just “Everything was perfect.” More like “We had some really hard times, but we stuck together and made it through.” That teaches kids that tough times don’t last forever, and that people in their family know how to get through them.

How to say it: Don’t just share the happy highlights. Tell the messy parts too. For example:

• “When your great-grandpa first came to this country, he barely spoke any English. Let me tell you how he got his first job.”
• “Your mom broke her arm the summer she was ten. Want to hear what happened?”
• “We lost our house once when I was a kid. Here’s how we got back on our feet.”

You don’t need to be a great storyteller. Just talk. Your grandkids will remember more than you think.

3. “Tell me more. I want to hear all about it.”

Parents today are busy. Between work, chores, driving kids around, and everything else, it’s hard for them to stop and just listen. That’s not a knock on parents. It’s just life.

But grandparents often have something that’s hard to come by: time. And when you give a grandchild your full attention, with no rushing and no distractions, it sends a clear message: You matter to me.

Psychologists say that feeling heard is one of the biggest ways people feel valued. That goes for kids as much as adults. When someone really listens to you, you feel important. When they’re half-listening while checking their phone, you can tell.

There’s another bonus, too. When you listen well, you’re showing your grandchild how to do it. Kids learn a lot by watching. If you ask questions and pay attention, they’ll start doing the same with friends and family.

How to say it: Put your phone away, look at them, and get curious. Ask about the stuff they care about, even if it’s not your thing. For example:

• “Wait, explain this game to me. How do you win?”
• “What’s your friend Maya like? How did you two meet?”
• “What’s the show everyone at school is watching right now? What’s it about?”

Then follow up. If they mention a problem with a friend, ask what happened next. If they love a video game, ask what their favorite part is. You don’t have to understand all of it. You just have to care enough to ask.

4. “You remind me so much of [family member] when they were your age.”

Ever had someone tell you that you laugh just like your dad, or that you have your aunt’s stubborn streak? It’s a funny feeling. It’s like finding out you’re a puzzle piece that fits into a bigger picture.

That’s exactly why this phrase works so well. When you tell your grandchild they remind you of someone in the family, you’re connecting them to the people who came before them. They’re not just a random kid. They come from somewhere, and pieces of that history show up in who they are.

This matters most in the tween and teen years. That’s when kids start asking big questions like “Who am I?” and “Where do I fit in?” Psychologists say this is a normal and important part of growing up. Hearing that they share traits with people they love and look up to can give kids something solid to hold onto while they figure themselves out.

How to say it: Stick to good traits, and keep it warm. For example:

• “You’re so patient with your little cousin. Your grandma was exactly like that.”
• “The way you stand up for your friends? That’s your Uncle Ray all over.”
• “Your mom used to draw for hours too. She’d get that same focused look on her face.”

One word of caution: skip comparisons that sound like a contest. “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” can sting for years. The goal is to make your grandchild feel connected, not measured against someone else.

Read Also: 7 Grandma Behaviors That Make Our Grandkids Feel Unwelcome in Our Homes

5. “I made that same mistake when I was young.”

To a kid, grandparents can seem like they’ve always had it all figured out. You’re wise, you’ve lived a long life, you know how things work. So it can be a real surprise when you admit, “Oh, I messed that up too.”

And that surprise is a good thing.

When kids make mistakes, they often feel embarrassed or ashamed. They might think they’re the only one who’s ever done something so dumb. Hearing that you, someone they love and respect, made the same mistake makes it feel a lot less scary. It tells them that messing up is a normal part of growing up, not proof that something’s wrong with them.

Psychologists say that being honest about your own slip-ups (in a way that fits the child’s age) helps kids feel less ashamed. And there’s a bonus: it makes them more likely to come to you when they’re in trouble. If they know you won’t judge them, you become someone safe to talk to.

How to say it: Keep it short and real, and focus on what you learned. For example:

• “I failed my first driving test too. I was so nervous I ran a stop sign!”
• “I once said something mean to a friend and felt terrible about it for weeks. Here’s what I did to fix it.”
• “I waited until the night before to start a big school project once. Never again.”

The key is to share, not preach. If your story turns into a lecture, kids will tune out fast. Tell it, laugh about it if you can, and let them take away what they need.

6. “You can always talk to me, about anything.”

Sometimes kids have stuff on their mind they don’t want to bring to their parents. Maybe they’re worried Mom will get upset. Maybe they think Dad won’t understand. Or maybe they just need someone who isn’t in charge of their curfew.

That’s where grandparents come in. You love your grandchild like crazy, but you’re not the one making the day-to-day rules. That can make you easier to open up to. You’re like a safe harbor, a calm place they can go when things feel stormy.

Psychologists who study how kids bond with the important people in their lives have found that having more than one trusted adult is a big plus. Each caring adult acts like an extra safety net. Kids who have that kind of support tend to handle stress better and feel more secure, even when life gets bumpy.

How to say it: Say it out loud, and say it more than once. Kids need to hear it before they’ll believe it. For example:

• “If anything is ever bugging you, you can call me. Anytime.”
• “You don’t have to have it all figured out to talk to me. I’m just here to listen.”
• “Nothing you tell me will make me love you less.”

A couple of important notes, though. Being a safe person to talk to doesn’t mean taking sides against their parents. If your grandchild complains about a rule, you can listen without saying “Your mom is being unfair.” Back up the parents when you can.

And being someone they can trust doesn’t mean keeping every secret. If your grandchild tells you something that means they could get hurt, or someone else could, you need to get help. You can be gentle about it. Something like “I love you too much to keep this to myself” goes a long way.

7. “What do you think?”

Kids spend a lot of their day being told what to do. Wake up, get dressed, do your homework, eat your vegetables, go to bed. Grown-ups don’t often stop and ask what they think.

So when you do, it stands out. Asking for your grandchild’s opinion tells them their ideas are worth hearing. And that’s a big deal, especially for teens. At that age, they really want to be treated like they’re growing up, not like little kids anymore.

Psychologists say that when kids get to share their views and make some of their own choices, they become more confident. They learn to trust their own thinking. That helps them make better decisions down the road, when you’re not around to help.

How to say it: Ask about all kinds of things, big and small. For example:

• “Where should we go for lunch? You pick.”
• “I’m trying to choose a new paint color for the kitchen. Which one do you like?”
• “I saw something on the news about this. What do kids your age think about it?”
• “If you were in charge of your school, what’s the first thing you’d change?”

Here’s the most important part: really listen to the answer. If you ask for their opinion and then brush it off, they’ll notice. You don’t have to agree with everything they say. But you can say something like “Huh, I never thought about it that way” or “I see it differently, but tell me why you think that.” That shows respect, even when you don’t see eye to eye. And that kind of respect is something kids never forget.

Read Also: 7 Tiny But Meaningful Moments That Define How Your Grandchild Remembers You

8. “I love you no matter what.”

Ask a grown-up what they remember most about their grandparents, and you’ll hear a lot of the same answer. It’s not the gifts or the trips. It’s the feeling that Grandma or Grandpa loved them, period. Good grades or bad, good mood or grumpy, they were always welcome.

That feeling is powerful. A well-known psychologist named Carl Rogers believed that one of the most important things a person can get is love and acceptance with no strings attached. In other words, love that doesn’t depend on how well you behave or what you achieve. He said this kind of love helps people believe they’re worth something, just as they are.

Kids who feel loved this way don’t have to keep “earning” it. That frees them up to try new things, make mistakes, and grow, without worrying that they’ll lose the people who matter most.

How to say it: The words are simple. The timing is what makes them count. Anyone can say “I love you” after a great report card. It means even more when things go wrong. For example:

• After a bad game: “Tough loss today. I love you no matter what the scoreboard says.”
• After they get in trouble: “I’m not happy about what happened, but I still love you just as much.”
• Out of the blue: “Just a reminder: nothing could ever change how much I love you.”

That last one is worth doing often. You don’t need a reason. Sometimes the best time to say it is when nothing special is going on at all.

Bonus: Adapting These Phrases by Age

The same message can land differently depending on how old your grandchild is. Here’s a quick guide.

Little kids (ages 3 to 7): Keep it short and sweet. Small kids don’t need long talks. A quick “I’m so proud of you!” with a big hug says plenty. At this age, love also looks like play. Getting on the floor to build a block tower tells them they matter just as much as words do.

School-age kids (ages 8 to 12): This is a great age for family stories, so start telling them. Kids this age are curious and still love time with grandparents. Praise their effort, ask about their hobbies, and let them teach you something, like how their favorite game works.

Teens: Teens want to be taken seriously. Listen more than you talk, skip the judging, and ask what they think. They may act like they don’t care, but they’re paying attention. Being the calm, steady adult in their life can mean a lot right now.

Long-distance grandparents: Living far away doesn’t stop you from saying any of these things. Video calls let you see each other’s faces. A quick text like “Thinking about you today!” can brighten their whole afternoon. And don’t skip handwritten letters. Kids rarely get real mail anymore, so a card with their name on it feels special. Many of them keep those letters for years.

Conclusion

None of these eight phrases are fancy. You don’t need a script or a psychology degree to use them. But said over and over through the years, small words like these add up. They shape how close you and your grandchild feel. They also shape the little voice inside your grandchild’s head, the one that tells them whether they’re capable, whether they belong, and whether they’re loved.

Your grandkids might not say “thank you.” They might shrug, mumble “okay,” and go back to their phones. But don’t be fooled. These are the words they’ll remember. And someday, they’ll probably say the very same things to their own kids.

So here’s an easy place to start. Pick just one phrase from this list and use it this week. Then watch what happens.

Sharing is caring!