“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
Most of us have heard that saying before. It sounds simple, but sometimes it’s hard to follow—especially when we’re trying to be helpful. We might bring up a tough topic and mean well, but our words can come out wrong.
Even with good intentions, what we say can still hurt. That’s why it’s important to make sure our words feel like a gift—not a weapon.
Here are nine things you should never say to your grandchild:
1. Comments About Weight
Talking about a child’s body or weight is a big no-no, says family expert Ann-Louise Lockhart. Even if the comment seems harmless, it can make kids feel bad about themselves and hurt their confidence.
“As adults, it’s our job to help kids feel good about who they are,” she said. “We should avoid saying things that could make them feel insecure. I hear about this all the time in my work—from young kids all the way to adults. Hurtful comments from grandparents can stick in their minds and replay over and over.”
Another expert, Andrea Dorn, agrees. She says that even simple comments like “Have you lost weight?” or “Wow, you’re taller than your sister!” can be harmful.
“The problem with talking about how someone looks is that it makes kids think their appearance is more important than who they are inside,” she explained.
So what should you say instead?
Try something like: “It’s so good to see you! I’ve really missed you. What have you been up to lately?”
Asking open questions about their hobbies or what they’re interested in helps them feel valued.
“When we show real interest in who a child is—not just how they look—it helps them feel seen and loved just as they are,” Dorn said. “Kids are so much more than their appearance or clothes.”
I never say anything about my grandchild’s weight—whether they’re skinny, chubby, or anything in between. Kids are still learning how to feel about themselves, and one small comment could make them feel unsure about their looks.
2. Little Secrets From Their Parents
Maybe you’ve given your grandkids an extra chocolate bar (or two) when no one was looking. Or maybe you’ve let them stay up past bedtime and said, “It’ll be our little secret.”
That might seem harmless, but asking kids to keep secrets from their parents can actually hurt them.
Dr. Zainab Delawalla, a child psychologist, explains that this can make kids think it’s okay to hide things from their parents. Over time, this can cause problems.
“It can make kids think that sometimes it’s better not to tell their parents the truth,” she said. “That’s really dangerous if a child is ever in trouble—like if someone is trying to hurt them or if they’re being bullied and feel too ashamed to speak up.”
Instead, let’s teach our grandkids that it’s always important to be honest with their parents—even when it’s hard.
There are still plenty of loving ways to spoil and enjoy our time with them without breaking any rules. We can be the fun grandparent and support the parents at the same time.
3. Comments About Their Eating Habits
It might be tempting to say things like, “You eat so fast,” “You cleaned your plate!” or “You haven’t touched your food!” But it’s better to keep those thoughts to yourself.
Kids are still learning how to listen to their bodies when it comes to feeling hungry or full. Making comments about how or what they eat can confuse them.
“Children need to learn how to recognize when they’re hungry and when they’ve had enough,” says child expert Dorn. “If adults comment on their eating, kids might start eating based on what others say instead of how they really feel. That can lead to shame or confusion now or later.”
So, what can you do instead?
Let your grandkids eat at their own pace, without judgment. If you do want to say something, focus on encouraging them to listen to their bodies.
You can even show them how it’s done. Dorn says, “Pay attention to your own hunger and fullness. Eat when you’re hungry, and stop when you’re full. Kids learn more from watching what we do than from what we say.”
Modeling healthy habits is one of the best gifts we can give them—no comments needed.
4. Negative Talk About How They Dress
Kids love to explore and try new things—including how they dress. Whether it’s wearing mismatched socks, a superhero cape to the store, or bright colors that don’t quite “go,” it’s all part of how they learn to be themselves.
Even if we don’t like their outfit, it’s important to keep those thoughts to ourselves. What they wear is often how they express their mood, creativity, or personality. Clothes can be a fun way for kids to feel brave, happy, or confident.
If their parents are okay with it, we should try to be okay with it too. Our job as grandparents isn’t to judge their clothes—it’s to love the child inside them.
Instead of saying something negative, try giving a compliment that builds confidence. You can say, “That’s such a fun outfit—how did you come up with it?” or “You look so happy in those colors!” This shows your grandchild that you care more about how they feel than how they look.
When we support their self-expression, we help them feel seen, accepted, and proud of who they are.
5. Telling Them How Spoiled They Are
During the holidays, kids can get overwhelmed. All the excitement, the lack of routine, and the piles of presents can lead to big feelings—and sometimes big outbursts.
If your grandchild seems ungrateful or throws a tantrum because they didn’t get what they wanted, you might feel like saying, “You’re so spoiled.” But it’s better to pause and think first.
Acting out during busy times like holidays is actually pretty normal for kids. If this kind of behavior happens often, it might have more to do with how they’ve been taught or what they’ve seen at home—not just the child’s attitude.
Psychologist Ryan Howes puts it this way: “If a child seems ungrateful, they may have learned that behavior from others—maybe even from their parents. So it’s not fair to put all the blame on the child.”
Instead of judging or saying something hurtful, try to stay calm. If the behavior truly concerns you, talk to the parents privately later. The goal is to build up, not tear down.
Your kindness, patience, and example can do more than any harsh words ever could.
6. Comparing Them to Other Kids
It’s never helpful to compare grandkids to other children—not even to their own siblings. Even a simple comment like, “Your sister is so smart” or “Your cousin is really good at sports” might seem harmless, but it can make another child feel like they’re not good enough.
Each child grows and learns at their own pace. Some are great at reading. Others shine in sports, art, music, or kindness. When we compare kids, we send the message that one way of being is better than another.
This can hurt their confidence and even cause jealousy between siblings or cousins. Instead of comparing, focus on what makes each grandchild special.
You can say things like:
- “I love how curious you are!”
- “You worked really hard on that puzzle—I’m proud of you.”
- “You have such a kind heart. That means a lot.”
When we notice their unique strengths, we help them feel valued for who they are—not who someone else is.
Remember: children don’t need to compete for our love. They just need to know they have it.
7. Expecting Them to Hug or Kiss You
As a grandparent, it’s natural to want hugs and kisses when you see your grandkids—especially when you’ve missed them so much! But not every child feels comfortable with hugs or physical affection right away. That’s okay, and it’s important to respect how they feel.
Even though saying something like, “Give Grandma a kiss!” comes from love, it can sometimes make kids feel confused about their own personal space and body boundaries.
Child expert Dorn explains it this way: “It’s a sweet way to show love, but if we don’t ask first, it can make a child feel like they don’t have a say over their own body. That can send mixed messages about consent.”
Instead, try asking kindly:
“I’d love a hug—would that be okay?”
And if your grandchild says “no,” it’s important to accept their answer with a smile and move on.
Don’t push or try to make them feel bad by saying things like, “Please, just one? I’m your grandma!” Instead, keep things light and warm.
You could say:
“Okay! I love you so much, and I’m so excited to hear all about what you’ve been doing.”
There are lots of fun ways to connect that don’t involve hugs. Try a wave, a high five, a fist bump, or even a silly handshake. Letting your grandchild choose how to show love helps them feel safe and respected.
When we honor their boundaries, we teach them that their voice matters. And that’s a gift they’ll carry with them for life.
8. Saying “Never”
Try not to use the word “never” when talking to your grandkids—especially in phrases like, “You’ll never be good at that,” or “You’ll never understand this.”
Why? Because “never” feels heavy and final. It makes kids think they can’t change or grow. That one word can stick in their minds and make them give up before they even try.
Even if you don’t mean to hurt their feelings, saying “never” can make them doubt themselves. Instead, try words that encourage effort and learning, like:
- “Keep trying—you’re getting better every time!”
- “That’s tough, but I believe in you.”
- “You can do hard things.”
Kids need to hear that it’s okay to struggle and that mistakes are part of learning. When we speak with kindness and hope, we help them build confidence and a strong sense of self-worth.
And don’t forget—our grandkids are always listening. The way we talk to them becomes the way they talk to themselves. Let’s fill their inner voice with words that lift them up, not tear them down.
9. Negative Talk About Their Parents
Parenting styles have changed over time. You may have raised your kids one way, and now your adult children are doing things differently with their own kids. That’s totally normal.
Psychologist Ryan Howes explains, “Grandparents grew up in a different time with different traditions. It makes sense to notice those differences.”
It’s okay to see things that are done differently, but be careful with how you talk about them. Saying things like, “That’s not how we did it,” or “Our way was better,” can sound like you’re putting down the parents—or even the grandkids.
That kind of talk can feel like you’re saying one way is right and the other is wrong. It can make your adult children feel judged, and it can confuse or upset your grandchildren too.
In most cases, it’s best to keep those thoughts to yourself—unless you see something that might really harm the child. If you’re worried, talk to the parents privately. Don’t bring it up with the kids.
As Howes puts it: “If grandparents have a problem with how their children are parenting, they should talk to the parents—or just let it go. But they should leave the grandkids out of it.”
Never say anything negative about their mom or dad. Kids may not understand what’s going on between adults, and hearing something bad could make them confused or hurt. It might also make them question their parents’ rules.
Showing support for your adult children, even when things are done differently, helps keep the whole family feeling loved and respected.
If something’s really bothering you, it’s best to talk to the parents privately. Sometimes words slip out before we think, and once they’re said, we can’t take them back. But if we stay kind and focus on the good, we’ll build strong and loving bonds with our grandkids. 😊
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