You used to be the favorite. Your grandchild ran to the door when you visited, begged for sleepovers, and wanted to show you every drawing.
Now they’re 15, or 22, and your texts get answered with “k.” Maybe a thumbs-up if you’re lucky.
It stings. A lot of grandmothers take it personally and start to wonder what they did wrong.
Most of the time, you didn’t do anything wrong. What changed is your grandchild. They grew up, and the things that made you close when they were little don’t work the same way anymore. Cookies and board games were perfect at age 6. At 16, they need something different from you.
So the goal isn’t to get the old closeness back. It’s to build a new kind that fits who they are now.
The good news is that some grandmothers do this really well, and psychology can tell us how. Here are seven habits that help your bond grow up right along with your grandchild.
1. They Ask About the People in Their Grandchild’s Life, Not How They’re Doing in School
Think about the questions you usually ask your grandchild:
- “How’s school going?”
- “What did you get on your report card?”
- “Have you picked a college yet?”
- “How’s the new job?”
You ask because you care. But to a teenager or young adult, these questions can feel like a test, like they’re being graded. And when people feel graded, they clam up. They give short answers like “fine” or “good” and change the subject.
As kids grow up, their friends start to matter more and more. Who’s mad at whom, who’s dating, who sat with them at lunch: to them, that’s the real stuff of life.
Researchers who study families found something interesting. Parents of teens don’t learn much by asking lots of questions. They learn the most from what their teens choose to tell them on their own. And teens choose to share with adults who feel safe, not adults who quiz them.
The same goes for grandmas.
What this looks like in real life:
Instead of “How’d you do on your math test?” try “How’s Maya doing? Is she still fighting with her sister?”
Instead of “How’s work?” try “Is Josh still your favorite coworker? Did he ever get that dog?”
See the difference? The second kind of question tells your grandchild, “I listen to you. I remember what matters to you.”
A simple trick: Keep a small notebook or a note on your phone. After you talk with your grandchild, jot down the names they mention: best friend, roommate, boyfriend or girlfriend, boss, even the annoying teacher. Then bring them up next time.
You might feel silly doing it at first. But when your grandchild hears you ask about their friend by name, they’ll notice. It shows them you were really paying attention.
And being paid attention to is something everyone wants, no matter how old they are.
2. They Talk Side by Side, Not Face to Face
Picture this. You sit your grandson down at the kitchen table, look him in the eye, and say, “So, tell me what’s going on with you.”
He squirms. He looks at his phone. He says, “Nothing much.”
It’s not that he doesn’t love you. Sitting face to face with someone staring right at you, waiting for you to open up, can feel a lot like being called into the principal’s office. That’s true for most teens, and it’s especially true for boys.
Now picture a different scene. You’re both in the car, heading to the store. Your eyes are on the road. His are on the window. There’s no pressure, no big moment. And out of nowhere, he starts telling you about a fight with his best friend.
That’s not luck. When two people are busy doing something together, talking feels easier. Nobody has to make eye contact, and if a conversation gets awkward, you can just go back to what you were doing. That takes the pressure off, so the real stuff has room to come out.
Good places for side-by-side talks:
- Car rides (the best one of all)
- Cooking or baking together
- Folding laundry
- Working in the garden
- Walking the dog
- Doing a puzzle
- Fishing, or sitting on the porch
What this looks like in real life:
Offer to drive your granddaughter to practice, to the mall, or to a friend’s house. Then here’s the hard part: don’t fill every quiet moment with questions. Let the silence sit. Turn on the radio. Teens often open up after a few minutes of quiet, once they’re sure nobody’s pushing.
When they visit, plan something to do instead of something to talk about. Ask your grandson to help you fix the wobbly shelf. Ask your granddaughter to teach you how to make that pasta dish she loves. The talking will happen on its own.
Some of your best conversations with a 15-year-old will happen while you’re both looking at the road.
3. They Let Family Traditions Grow Up
Every family has its “thing.” Maybe it’s pancakes at Grandma’s every Saturday morning. Maybe it’s baking cookies together every Christmas Eve, or a summer week at the lake.
These traditions matter more than you might think. Family researcher Barbara Fiese found that shared traditions help kids feel like they belong. They give kids a sense of “this is who we are.”
But here’s the catch: kids grow up, and traditions don’t always grow with them.
What felt magical at age 7 can feel like a chore at 16. Your granddaughter may love you just as much as ever, but now she has a job, a boyfriend, and friends who want to hang out on Saturday mornings. When a tradition starts to feel like something she has to do, the fun goes out of it. She might even start to resent it, and you can end up hurt and confused.
A lot of grandmothers make the same mistake here. They hold on tight to the tradition exactly the way it was. “But we always bake cookies on Christmas Eve!” They mean well, but holding on too tight can push grandkids away.
The grandmothers who stay close do something different. They let the tradition change shape.
What this looks like in real life:
- Saturday pancakes at your house when she’s 7…
- become a birthday breakfast at her favorite diner when she’s 16…
- which becomes a once-a-year lunch date when she’s 25 and living in another city.
The tradition is still there. It just grew up with her.
A simple trick: Ask your grandchild straight out: “We used to do pancakes every Saturday. What should our thing be now?”
You might be surprised by what they come up with. Maybe it’s a monthly movie night, a yearly shopping trip, or sending each other a funny video every Sunday. When they help pick the new tradition, it feels like theirs, not just yours. And people show up for the things they helped create.
The point of a tradition was never really the pancakes or the cookies. It was the time together. Keep that, and let the rest change.
4. They Ask Their Grandchildren for Real Advice
Most of us know the classic grandma request: “Honey, can you help me with my phone? It’s doing that thing again.”
There’s nothing wrong with that. Grandkids usually don’t mind helping, and it can be a sweet little moment. But if phone help is the only advice you ever ask for, you’re missing out on something big.
Here’s why. Psychologists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan spent years studying what makes people feel happy and motivated. One of the big things they found is that everyone needs to feel capable, like they’re good at something and other people can see it.
Teens and young adults are hungry for this. They spend a lot of their days being told what to do by parents, teachers, coaches, and bosses. Very few adults ever ask what they think.
So when you do, it means a lot. And we tend to stay close to the people who make us feel smart and grown-up.
What this looks like in real life:
Go past the tech questions and ask about real decisions in your life:
- “I’m looking at two apartments. Which one would you pick?”
- “Do you think I should sign up for that painting class, or is it silly at my age?”
- “Your aunt and I had a disagreement. Can I tell you about it and get your take?”
- “I want to get your grandpa something special for our anniversary. Any ideas?”
You can also ask about the things they know a lot about. If your grandson loves music, ask him what you should listen to. If your granddaughter reads a lot, ask her for a book recommendation. Then actually listen to the album or read the book, and tell them what you thought.
The most important part: Take their advice at least some of the time. Then circle back and tell them how it went. “I took the apartment with the big window like you said, and you were right. I love it.”
That one sentence tells your grandchild, “Your opinion matters. You helped me.” Not many people say that to a 17-year-old.
Grandkids stay close to the people who treat them like capable adults, even before the rest of the world does.
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5. They Tell Stories About Their Mistakes, Not Just Their Wins
Think about the stories you tell your grandkids about your past. A lot of us lean toward the good ones: how we met our husbands, the big family trips, how we raised five kids on one paycheck.
Some of us also slip into “back in my day” stories. “Back in my day, we walked to school.” “Back in my day, kids respected their elders.”
Those stories come from a good place. But to a young person, they can make you seem perfect, far away, or like you’re scolding them without saying so.
Here’s what researchers found works better.
Marshall Duke and Robyn Fivush, two psychologists at Emory University, studied what makes kids strong and able to bounce back from hard times. They found that kids who know their family’s history tend to handle life’s ups and downs better and feel better about themselves.
But not just any family stories help. The best ones go something like this: “We had hard times. We struggled. And we made it through.”
Stories like that teach kids that hard times are normal, that the people they love have faced them too, and that they can get through their own.
What this looks like in real life:
Share the stories you might usually keep to yourself:
- The class you failed
- The job you got fired from or quit in a panic
- The friendship you lost and wish you hadn’t
- The big decision you regret, and what you’d do differently
Be honest about how it felt. Scared, embarrassed, lost. Then tell them how you got through it.
Timing matters. The best moment to share one of these stories is when your grandchild is going through something similar. But skip the lecture. Don’t say, “Let me tell you what you should do.” Try something softer, like: “That reminds me of the year I…” Then just tell the story and let them take from it what they need.
When your granddaughter is crushed about not getting into her first-choice college, hearing that you once got rejected too, and that life turned out okay, can mean more than any pep talk.
Your mistakes might be one of the most useful things you can pass down. They show your grandkids that falling down is part of life, and that getting back up runs in the family.
Read Also: 14 Unique Small Gift Ideas to Mail Your Grandkids That They’ll Appreciate and Never Forget
6. They Make the First Move to Fix Things After a Fight
Let’s be honest. Every grandma has said something she wishes she could take back.
Maybe it was a comment at Thanksgiving about your granddaughter’s weight. Maybe you made a face when your grandson brought home a girlfriend with purple hair. Maybe you got into it over politics at the dinner table and said a few things a little too sharply.
You may have forgotten about it the next day. But there’s a good chance your grandchild didn’t.
Here’s the thing. Arguments and hurt feelings don’t ruin close relationships on their own. What ruins them is when nobody fixes the hurt afterward.
Psychologist Edward Tronick spent years studying moms and babies. He found that even the closest pairs mess up and get out of sync all the time. What made their bond strong wasn’t getting it right every time. It was fixing it after they got it wrong.
Relationship expert John Gottman found the same thing in married couples. The couples who last aren’t the ones who never fight. They’re the ones who know how to make up.
So why is this so hard for grandmothers?
A lot of women your age grew up with a simple rule: grown-ups don’t apologize to kids. Kids apologize to grown-ups. Saying “I’m sorry” to a grandchild can feel strange, maybe even like you’re giving up your place as the elder.
But think about how it feels on the other side. When an adult never says sorry, kids learn to keep their distance and stop sharing things that might get judged. The hurt quietly builds a wall.
What this looks like in real life:
You don’t need a big speech. A few honest words will do:
“I’ve been thinking about what I said at Thanksgiving. I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair to you.”
That’s it. No “but.” No explaining why you said it. Just own it.
What if you were only partly wrong? Apologize for your part anyway. Maybe your grandson was rude too. You can still say, “I’m sorry I raised my voice. I love you, and I don’t want that to come between us.” Going first doesn’t mean you lost. It means you care more about the relationship than about being right.
Grandkids almost never hear an apology from a grandmother. That’s exactly why it means so much when they do.
7. They Wait Patiently Through the Quiet Teenage Years
Maybe you’re in this stage right now. Your grandchild used to call you every week. Now you’re lucky to get a text on your birthday. Visits are shorter, and the phone is always in their hand.
It’s easy to think, “They don’t care about me anymore.”
But that’s usually not what’s going on.
Researchers who’ve followed grandparents and grandkids over many years, like Merril Silverstein, have noticed a common pattern. Time spent together often drops during the teen and young adult years. Kids are busy with school, friends, first jobs, and figuring out who they are. But the love underneath usually doesn’t go anywhere. And for many families, the bond comes back stronger once the grandkids are grown.
In other words, this quiet stretch is often a phase, not the end.
The biggest mistake you can make right now: guilt.
It’s so tempting to say things like:
- “You never call your grandmother anymore.”
- “I guess you’re too busy for me now.”
- “I won’t be around forever, you know.”
These come from real hurt, and that hurt makes sense. But they almost always backfire.
Psychologist Jack Brehm studied what happens when people feel pushed or pressured. He found that pressure makes people want to push back and do the opposite. So when a teen feels guilt-tripped into calling, they’re more likely to dread calling, and call even less.
What this looks like in real life:
Keep in touch in small, easy ways that don’t ask for anything back:
- Text a funny photo of the dog
- Send a news story about their favorite team or band
- Mail a card with a few dollars inside, just because
- Share an old photo of them as a baby, or of their mom at the same age
Then add the magic words: “No need to write back. Just thinking of you.”
That one line takes all the pressure off. It tells your grandchild the door is always open, and they’ll never get scolded for walking back through it.
The grandmothers who wait patiently through the quiet years, without guilt and without giving up, are the ones their grandchildren come back to as adults.
Read Also: 8 Leading Questions That Make Your Grandchildren Open Up and Want to Tell You Everything
Conclusion
Look back at these seven habits, and you’ll notice they all come down to one simple idea.
Staying close to an older grandchild isn’t about how often you see them or how near they live. It’s about respect.
It’s respect when you ask about their friends instead of their grades. It’s respect when you let a tradition change instead of holding on tight. It’s respect when you ask for their advice, admit your own mistakes, say sorry first, and give them room during the busy years without making them feel guilty.
When your grandkids were little, they needed you to take care of them. Now they need you to see them for who they’re becoming. That’s a different kind of love, but it’s every bit as important.
And here’s the best part. You don’t have to do all seven at once. Pick one. Maybe this week you offer your grandson a ride and let the quiet do its work. Maybe you finally send that “I’m sorry” text you’ve been putting off. Small steps add up.
One More Thing: Don’t Forget the Parents
There’s someone else who plays a big part in your relationship with your grandkids: their parents.
Researchers like Karen Fingerman have found that the middle generation, your son or daughter and their partner, often acts like a “gatekeeper.” They shape how much time you get with the grandkids and how the kids see you, especially when the kids are young.
This matters most for grandmothers on the dad’s side. Your relationship with your grandchildren often depends a lot on how well you get along with your daughter-in-law. If things between you two are rocky, it can quietly make it harder to stay close to the kids.
So it’s worth putting some love into that relationship too. Ask her opinion. Respect her rules, even when you’d do things differently. Thank her for the photos she sends. A good relationship with the parents makes it easier to have a good relationship with the grandkids.
The Bottom Line
Your grandkids are going to grow up. That part isn’t up to you. What is up to you is whether you grow with them.
You don’t stay close by holding on. You stay close by growing alongside them.
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