6 Ways Bad Grandparents Can Leave Lasting Emotional Scars on Their Grandchildren

Sharing is caring!

Let’s start with something important: if you’re reading this, you’re probably not the grandparent this article is really about. Most grandparents love their grandkids fiercely and would never dream of hurting them on purpose.

But here’s the thing — pain doesn’t require bad intentions. Sometimes it’s an old habit from your own parenting days that never quite got updated. Sometimes it’s a comment that felt like a joke to you but landed differently for a kid who takes things to heart. And sometimes you just don’t realize how much weight your words carry, simply because you’re Grandma or Grandpa, and that role comes with a kind of authority kids don’t question.

So think of this less as a list of accusations and more as a mirror — a chance to catch a few blind spots before they turn into real damage. For each one, we’ll break down what it actually looks like day-to-day, why it affects kids more than you might expect, and what to do instead. No guilt trips, just honest reflection.

1. Playing Favorites

Let’s be real — most of us feel a little more in sync with one grandkid than another. Maybe one shares your love of baseball, or reminds you of yourself at that age, or is just easier to be around. That’s human. The problem isn’t feeling it. The problem is showing it.

Favoritism shows up in small, sneaky ways: bigger birthday checks for one grandkid, extra praise for the “smart one” while the others get overlooked, always wanting the “good” grandchild to sit next to you at dinner. Sometimes it’s about gender — favoring grandsons over granddaughters, or vice versa. Sometimes it’s about birth order, or just who happens to have a personality that clicks with yours.

Here’s why it matters more than you’d think: kids are paying attention, even when you assume they’re not. The grandchild who gets less attention doesn’t just feel a little left out — they start to internalize the message that love is something you have to earn, or that they’re simply not as lovable as their sibling or cousin.

That’s a heavy thing for a kid to carry, and it doesn’t just fade away. It can quietly shape how they see themselves for years, and it can also poison the relationships between the grandkids themselves — resentment between siblings or cousins that started at Grandma’s house can follow them well into adulthood.

The fix isn’t to fake feeling the same about every kid — that’s not realistic. It’s to be intentional about how you show up for each of them. Even the gifts, even the compliments, even the one-on-one time. Make an effort to know what makes each grandchild unique and celebrate that specifically, instead of just gravitating toward whoever’s easiest. It takes more effort, but it’s the difference between every grandkid feeling like they belong — and one quietly wondering why they don’t measure up.

2. Undermining the Parents’ Authority

You remember when your kids were little and you made the rules. Now they’re the ones making the rules, and honestly, that shift can be hard to sit with — especially when you don’t agree with their decisions. Maybe you think screen time limits are too strict, or bedtime’s too early, or they’re being too soft on discipline. Whatever it is, here’s the tricky part: as a grandparent, you don’t get to override it, even when your heart’s in the right place.

This one shows up in ways that feel small in the moment but add up fast. Letting the grandkids stay up late “just this once” when you know that’s not the rule. Slipping them candy right after mom said no dessert. The classic “well, your parents don’t have to know.” Or the more direct version — telling the kids outright that their parents are too strict, too anxious, too whatever. Even bribing your way around a boundary the parents set counts here, even if it comes from a place of just wanting to spoil them a little.

The damage isn’t really about the candy or the extra hour of screen time. It’s about what it teaches kids: that rules are negotiable depending on who’s in the room, and that the adults in their life aren’t actually on the same page. That’s confusing for a child — they need consistency to feel secure. And when you position yourself as the “fun” one against the parents’ “strict” one, you’re not just undermining your own kid’s authority — you’re putting your grandchild in the middle of a loyalty tug-of-war they never asked to be part of.

The better move — even when it’s genuinely hard — is to back your kids’ rules in front of the grandkids, full stop. If you disagree, that conversation happens privately, adult to adult, away from little ears. You can absolutely advocate for a different approach. Just do it in a way that keeps your grandchild out of the crossfire.

Read Also: 5 Simple Things You Can Do to Be the Grandma Your Grandkids Will Always Remember

3. Conditional or Withheld Affection

This one’s subtle, and a lot of grandparents don’t even realize they’re doing it. It’s the extra warmth that shows up only when a grandkid brings home good grades, behaves perfectly, or does exactly what’s asked. And on the flip side, it’s the chilliness that creeps in when they don’t — the short answers, the crossed arms, the “I’m not talking to you right now” energy that lingers a little too long.

It doesn’t have to be dramatic to leave a mark. Maybe it’s lighting up for the honor-roll grandkid but going quiet around the one who’s struggling in school. Maybe it’s pulling back affection for a day because a grandchild talked back or had a meltdown. It can even look like the silent treatment — giving a kid the cold shoulder as a way of showing you’re displeased.

Here’s why this one runs deep: kids are wired to read love as a signal of their own worth. When affection comes and goes based on behavior, they don’t think “Grandma’s just having a moment.” They think “I have to be good to be loved.” That belief doesn’t stay in childhood — it tends to follow people into adulthood, showing up in how they approach relationships, how much they people-please, and how safe they feel just being themselves around others.

The good news is this one has a pretty clear fix: separate the correction from the connection. You can absolutely tell a grandchild you’re not happy with their behavior — that’s healthy, kids need boundaries. But the hug still happens. The “I love you” still gets said. Discipline and affection aren’t supposed to cancel each other out; they can exist in the same five minutes. That combination — held to a standard, but never in doubt about being loved — is exactly what makes a kid feel secure.

4. Harsh Criticism, Teasing, or Shaming

A lot of grandparents grew up in a generation where teasing was just how you showed affection, and “tough love” was considered good parenting. So it’s easy to slip into comments that feel harmless to you but land like a punch to a kid. “You’ve put on some weight, huh?” “Why would you wear that?” “Real men don’t cry.” “You call that a grade?” To you, it might feel like joking around, or like you’re just being honest, or even like you’re toughening them up for the real world. To your grandchild, it feels like judgment from someone whose opinion matters enormously to them.

And that’s really the crux of it — grandparents hold a lot of authority in a kid’s eyes. When criticism comes from someone a child looks up to and trusts, it doesn’t roll off the way it might from a random adult. It sinks in.

Said once, it might not do much. Said repeatedly, over years of holidays and visits, it can quietly wire a kid to believe there’s something wrong with them — their body, their choices, their personality. That kind of insecurity has a way of sticking around long after childhood ends.

The alternative isn’t to stop caring about your grandkids’ choices or never offer guidance — it’s to change how you deliver it. Lead with encouragement, not correction. If you’ve genuinely got a concern, pull them aside privately instead of commenting in front of the family, and frame it gently. There’s a real difference between “You’ll never make friends acting like that” and “Hey, can I share something that might help?” Same concern, completely different impact.

5. Dismissing or Invalidating Feelings

This one usually comes from a good place — you don’t want to see your grandkid upset, so you try to talk them out of the feeling. “You’re fine.” “Stop crying, it’s not a big deal.” “You’re too sensitive.” “There’s nothing to be scared of.” It feels like reassurance. To the kid, it feels like being told their feelings are wrong.

Here’s the thing about kids and emotions — they don’t yet have the tools to just talk themselves out of a feeling the way an adult might. When they’re scared, sad, or upset, that feeling is real and immediate to them, whether or not it makes objective sense to you.

And when the response they get is “you’re overreacting” or “there’s nothing to be upset about,” they don’t stop feeling upset — they just learn to stop showing it, and eventually, stop trusting it. Do that enough times, and a child starts to believe their own emotional radar can’t be trusted. Worse, they learn you’re not a safe person to bring their feelings to — which means next time something’s really wrong, they might not come to you at all.

The shift here is simple but takes practice: validate first, reassure second. Before you jump to fixing or minimizing, just name what they’re feeling. “That sounds like it was really scary.” “I can see you’re upset.” That alone does something powerful — it tells a kid their feelings make sense and are safe to have around you. Once they feel heard, they’re actually much more open to the reassurance or perspective you wanted to offer in the first place.

Read Also: 7 Habits of Grandparents Truly Adored by Their Grandchildren, According to Psychology

6. Inconsistency and Broken Promises

Kids have long memories for promises. You might not think twice about saying “I’ll take you to the zoo next time” or “I’ll call you Saturday” — it’s just something you say in the moment. But your grandchild is holding onto that. And when “next time” never comes, or Saturday’s call doesn’t happen, something quietly shifts in how they see you.

This shows up in a bunch of ways: canceling visits at the last minute, promising a gift for a birthday or holiday that never actually shows up, saying you’ll do something together and then letting it quietly slide. It can also show up as unpredictability in general — being warm and engaged one visit, distant or short-tempered the next, with no clear reason why. Kids can’t always tell what’s going on in your life that might explain the shift. All they know is they can’t quite predict what they’re going to get from you.

That unpredictability chips away at something pretty foundational — trust. Kids build their sense of safety on the adults around them being reliable. When promises don’t hold up, or plans keep falling through, they learn a hard lesson early: that people who say they love you don’t always follow through. And once that lesson sinks in, kids tend to protect themselves by expecting less — from you, and sometimes from other relationships too.

The fix here is pretty straightforward, even if it takes discipline: under-promise and over-deliver. If you’re not sure you can make it to something, don’t say you will. If life gets in the way and you have to cancel, tell them directly instead of letting it fade into silence — and if you can, make it right with a reschedule that actually happens. Consistency doesn’t mean being perfect. It means being someone your grandchild can count on to follow through, or at least to be honest when you can’t.

Final Thoughts…
If you read through this list and recognized yourself in one or two of these — take a breath. That’s not a red flag. That’s actually a really good sign. The grandparents who cause real, lasting harm are usually the ones who never stop to ask whether they’re getting it right. You just did.

Here’s the part that matters most: none of this is permanent. Kids — and grandkids especially — are remarkably forgiving and responsive to change. A relationship that’s felt a little strained or off can shift surprisingly fast once a grandparent starts showing up differently. It’s genuinely never too late to become the steady, safe, unconditionally-loving presence your grandchild needs.

So don’t try to overhaul everything at once — that’s a recipe for burnout, not change. Pick one thing from this list that hit closest to home, and just focus on that for the next month. And if you want to go a step further, have an honest conversation with your grandchild’s parents. Ask them how you’re doing, and how you can support the way they’re raising their kids. That conversation might feel a little vulnerable, but it’s also exactly the kind of thing that turns a good grandparent into a great one.

Sharing is caring!