8 Toxic Things Grandmothers Should Never Say or Do

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Let’s be honest—sometimes we grandmas can get on our adult children’s nerves. We’ve seen a lot in our lifetime, and the world’s “rules” seem to change faster than we can keep up. After all, we’ve raised kids before, so it’s easy to think we still know what’s best. And truthfully? Sometimes we do! But I’ve learned that even with the best intentions, that confidence can come across the wrong way.

The truth is, our loving advice or old habits can sometimes cause tension without us realizing it. What we see as helpful might feel controlling to our kids.

A comment we think is harmless might sting more than we meant it to. And sometimes, we may not notice when our behavior crosses from “a little much” into something that actually hurts or stresses the family.

Many grandmas don’t mean to be toxic—it’s often accidental. We might show disapproval, worry, or frustration in front of the grandkids, not realizing how it affects everyone. But awareness is the first step toward change.

That’s why it’s important for us to pause and reflect on how we show love and support. When we catch those little red flags early, we can rebuild trust, keep our families close, and create the kind of warm, peaceful home every grandchild deserves to grow up in.

This list isn’t about blaming—it’s about helping grandmas stay close, trusted, and appreciated. Here are eight things to avoid saying or doing if you want to keep peace in the family and joy in your role as Grandma.

Parenting the Parents

Once a mom, always a mom—that instinct never really goes away. But when your children become parents themselves, it’s time to shift roles. Telling them how to raise their kids, correcting their choices, or reminding them how you did things can make them feel criticized or controlled.

They already have the pressure of wanting to do everything right, and your extra “guidance” can sometimes add stress instead of comfort.

The best gift you can give is your trust. Let them make their own choices—even if you’d do things differently. Offer advice only when they ask, and lead with encouragement instead of correction.

When you step back and cheer them on, they’ll see you not as a critic, but as their biggest supporter—and that’s what every parent truly needs.

Posting Photos Online

It’s only natural to want to show off your adorable grandkids. After all, who wouldn’t want the world to see those sweet faces?

But before you hit “post,” make sure the parents are okay with it. Some families are very private or have safety concerns about sharing pictures online. Posting without asking can feel like you’ve crossed a personal line.

A simple “Hey, is it okay if I share this photo?” goes a long way. It shows respect and keeps trust strong. Remember, your grandkids will grow up in a digital world—so modeling good online boundaries helps them, too. Share your pride in person, not just on the internet, and you’ll never go wrong.

Saying: “Give me the baby, and I’ll show you how to ….”

It’s natural to want to help, especially when you’ve been through it all before. But when you jump in with “Give me the baby, and I’ll show you how,” it can make the parent feel small or incapable. What they hear isn’t love—it’s “You’re doing it wrong.” Even if you mean well, it can create tension or hurt feelings.

A better approach is to wait until you’re asked or offer gently. Try saying, “Would you like me to show you a trick that worked for me?” That small shift turns your advice into a gift instead of a correction. Remember, your wisdom shines brightest when it’s wrapped in kindness and respect.

Overstepping Boundaries

Boundaries can be tricky, especially when your heart is full of love and good intentions. You might think you’re helping by stepping in—offering advice, rearranging things, or making choices for the kids. But to the parents, it can feel like you’re crossing a line. Even small things, like giving treats after bedtime or sharing private family news, can cause tension.

The best way to show love is to respect the limits they set. Ask before you act, listen when they say no, and remember—it’s not rejection, it’s trust-building. When you honor their boundaries, you’re showing that you value their role as parents. And that respect strengthens your bond with them and your grandkids.

Thinking You’re the Boss

It’s easy to forget that you’re not the one in charge anymore—especially when you’ve spent years running the show. But as much as you love your grandkids, their parents get to make the rules now. Trying to take over or make big decisions without checking first can leave everyone feeling frustrated or disrespected.

The truth is, your role has changed—but it’s still powerful. You’re the safe place, the listener, the gentle guide. When you let the parents lead and offer your support instead of control, everyone wins. You’ll keep your special place in their hearts—not as the boss, but as the trusted, loving grandma who makes life better for everyone.

Saying: “We didn’t have all these safety rules and my kids lived.”

This one might sound harmless, but it can make new parents feel dismissed or judged. Times have changed—and so has what we know about safety. Things like car seats, sleep positions, and screen time come with new research and better understanding. When you say this, it can feel like you’re brushing off their care and effort.

Instead, try showing support by saying something like, “Wow, there’s so much more to learn these days! You’re doing such a great job keeping the little one safe.” It tells them you trust their parenting while still sharing your love and experience. After all, being a grandma isn’t about proving you were right—it’s about being the gentle voice that cheers them on.

Saying: “You’re too soft on those kids.”

It might sound like friendly teasing, but comments like this can sting. Modern parenting often focuses more on gentle guidance than strict rules, and hearing that they’re “too soft” can make parents feel like they’re failing. What you see as “too easy” might actually be their way of teaching kindness, patience, and respect.

Instead of criticizing, try noticing what’s working. Say something like, “I love how patient you are with them.” Encouragement builds trust—and when parents feel supported, they’re far more likely to invite you into their parenting world with open arms.

Competing Against the Other Grandparents

It’s easy to slip into comparison mode—especially when you hear what the other grandparents bought, did, or got to do. But turning it into a competition (“We spend more time with them,” “We give better gifts,” or “They love my cookies more”) can quietly build tension and make things awkward for everyone. Kids should never feel like they have to “pick sides” when it comes to love.

Remember, every grandparent brings something special to the table. Maybe one bakes the best pies, while another tells the funniest stories. There’s room for all kinds of love in a child’s life. When you focus on connection instead of competition, your relationship with your grandkids becomes richer, calmer, and filled with joy—the kind that no prize could ever beat.

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