7 Signs Your Adult Children Secretly Resent How You Raised Them

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When it comes to raising kids, most of us do the best we can with what we know at the time. We love deeply, we try hard, and we mean well. But the truth is—we don’t know what we don’t know. Even with the best intentions, we sometimes make mistakes.

That’s why the relationship between parents and their grown children can feel so tricky. It’s like walking through a field full of old memories and unspoken feelings—you never quite know what might come up.

Noticing the quiet signs of resentment from your adult child isn’t about pointing fingers or drowning in guilt. It’s about opening the door to honest, healing conversations that may have been waiting for years.

Here are 7 signs to keep an eye on.

1. They never ask for your advice or support

When we trust someone, we naturally turn to them for advice. We believe they want the best for us. So, when your grown child makes big life choices—changing jobs, ending relationships, or handling money—without asking for your input, it can feel painful. It might even leave you wondering, Why don’t they want my help?

You may try to gently offer advice anyway, only to be met with polite but firm resistance. Maybe they brush off your ideas or change the subject.

Sometimes this happens because, deep down, your child doesn’t fully trust your guidance. Maybe their childhood felt unstable, or some choices you made back then left a lasting mark. Even if you did your best, those old feelings can stick around for years—especially if they were never talked about openly.

2. They bring up the past in quiet, indirect ways

You might notice that your adult child makes little comments about their childhood that sting a bit. They might sound like jokes, but there’s often truth hiding underneath the humor.

For example, during dinner, they might say with a laugh, “Must be nice when people notice your hard work,” and give you a knowing look. Or when talking about how they raise their own kids, they might say, “I make sure to really listen when they’re upset.”

Their words may be wrapped in laughter, but the hurt behind them is real. These small, subtle remarks often carry the weight of old pain—feelings that were never fully healed or spoken out loud.

3. They raise their kids in the complete opposite way you did

Most parents do what they know. We repeat the things that worked and try to avoid what didn’t. So, if your grown child’s parenting style feels nothing like yours, it may be a quiet sign that they weren’t completely happy with how they were raised.

For example, if you were strict about grades and chores, they might focus more on fun and flexibility. On the other hand, if you gave lots of freedom and little structure, they might now hover a bit closer—always involved and available.

It can feel like they’re rejecting your way, but often, they’re simply trying to give their kids what they felt they missed. Their choices come from love, even if they also come from old pain.

4. They react strongly to familiar parenting behaviors

You might notice your adult child gets defensive when you offer what you think is “helpful advice.” Maybe you meant to guide or encourage them, but they take it as criticism.

When old wounds linger, small moments can bring big emotions. A simple comment about how they’re raising their kids can suddenly take them back to a time when they felt unheard or judged. Their reaction may seem too strong for the situation—but to them, it’s not just about now. It’s about then.

This isn’t about blame—it’s about understanding. Their sensitivity may be a sign that something from childhood still hurts, and they’re still learning how to heal from it.

5. They bring up childhood moments you thought were long forgotten

Have you ever noticed your grown child mentioning something from years ago—something you barely remember? Maybe it was the school play you missed, a punishment they thought was unfair, or a time when you brushed off their feelings.

To you, those moments might have seemed small or unavoidable. But if your child keeps bringing them up, it’s likely they meant a lot more to them than you realized.

It doesn’t mean you were a bad parent. Sometimes life just got busy. You may have had to work late or juggle a dozen responsibilities. Still, what felt practical to you might have felt painful to them. The truth is, you both lived the same story—but experienced it through very different eyes. What felt ordinary to you may have shaped them deeply.

6. They rarely mention the good parts of their childhood

When your child talks about their success, you might notice they thank teachers, coaches, or their own determination—but not you. The lessons you taught, the sacrifices you made, or the values you passed on seem to fade into the background.

It can be hard to hear, especially when you know how much love and effort you poured into them. But this usually isn’t done out of spite. Sometimes, old hurt clouds the good memories, making it hard for them to hold both at once.

Their childhood likely had both beautiful and painful moments—but the pain can feel louder. Healing takes time, and as that happens, they may begin to see the full picture of your love more clearly.

7. They set strict rules when it comes to their own kids

If your grown child has children, you might notice that your time with the grandkids feels… carefully managed. Maybe visits are limited, supervised, or filled with rules about what you can and can’t do. It can feel like you’re being monitored instead of welcomed, and that can hurt deeply.

When they set firm boundaries—especially ones that seem to go against how you raised them—it’s often not about you as a grandparent right now. It’s about the parent you once were, and the feelings they still carry from those years.

Their strong boundaries come from a protective place. They want to make sure their children never feel the same kind of pain or confusion they once did. Whether or not that level of caution is truly needed isn’t the point—their actions are being guided by old wounds that haven’t fully healed yet.

Underneath it all, it’s not rejection. It’s fear. And that fear is their way of trying to break a cycle, even if they don’t yet realize you’re trying to heal, too.

Final thoughts…
Parenting is hard. Truly hard. None of us gets it right all the time. Most days, we’re just doing our best, hoping our love shines through the mistakes. If your adult child carries resentment, it doesn’t mean your love wasn’t real or your efforts didn’t matter. You did what you knew how to do at the time—with love in your heart.

It’s often not until we become parents ourselves that we realize just how tough the job really is. We start to understand why our own parents made the choices they did. Still, some wounds cut deep, and compassion alone doesn’t always make them disappear.

If you see yourself or your family in these patterns, take heart—healing is still possible. The first step might be as simple (and as brave) as saying, “Tell me how you felt growing up.” And then truly listening. It’s not always easy, but those honest, loving conversations can open the door to understanding—and maybe even to a closer, softer bond.

Read Also: 10 Ways to Be the Parent Your Adult Children Actually Want to Visit

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