Most Grandmas Say This Out of Love—But Experts Say It Can Shut Your Grandkids Down

Sharing is caring!

You see it coming before it happens.

Maybe your grandchild ignores advice you shared gently and with good reason. Maybe your adult child makes a choice you worried about weeks—or even months—ago. You feel that tight knot in your chest as you watch it unfold, because deep down, you already know how this might end.

And when it does, something rises up inside you. A thought. A reaction. A response that feels almost automatic.

Not because you want to hurt anyone.
Not because you want to prove a point.
But because you cared. Because you worried. Because you’ve lived long enough to recognize the warning signs.

If you’ve ever felt that urge, please hear this first: you are not a bad grandma for feeling it. You are a loving one.

That’s why this matters—not because you were wrong, but because connection matters more than being right. And with just a small shift in how we respond, we can keep the door open to trust, closeness, and the kind of relationship every grandma hopes for.

The Phrase Many Grandmas Say Without Thinking

The phrase experts often warn about is this:

“I told you so.”

Most grandmas don’t say this to be unkind. It usually comes out after a child ignores advice, makes a mistake, or ends up hurt or disappointed. In our minds, it’s not meant to shame—it’s meant to teach.

We’re thinking, If they see that I was right, maybe they’ll listen next time. After all, we’ve lived longer. We’ve learned things the hard way. We want to save our grandkids from unnecessary pain.

Many of us grew up hearing this phrase ourselves. It was used as a lesson, a reminder, or even a bit of tough love. So when it slips out of our mouths, it feels almost automatic.

But here’s the hard truth: even when said gently, “I told you so” can land like a quiet jab. A child who is already feeling embarrassed, upset, or hurt may hear it as, “You failed,” or “You should have known better.”

That’s why experts say this well-meaning phrase can shut kids down instead of drawing them closer.

Why Experts Say This Phrase Can Backfire

When kids make a mistake, they’re already replaying it in their heads. They know what went wrong. What they need most in that moment isn’t a reminder—it’s safety.

Experts explain that “I told you so” can trigger shame. Instead of learning, a child may feel small or foolish. And when kids feel ashamed, they stop talking. They pull inward. They may even avoid coming to you next time.

This phrase can also turn a tender moment into a power struggle. The focus shifts from connection to being right. And while being right might feel good for a moment, it often costs closeness.

Kids learn best when they feel supported, not judged. When a child feels safe with you, they’re more open to guidance later—after the emotions have settled.

What to Say Instead (That Still Honors Your Wisdom)

When a child or adult grandchild messes up, our first instinct is often to teach. After all, we’ve lived longer. We’ve seen how this story usually ends. But here’s the secret many grandmas don’t hear often enough: support comes before advice.

Before fixing, correcting, or reminding them you warned them, pause and lead with comfort.

Simple phrases can make a big difference, like:
“That sounds really hard.”
“I’m glad you told me.”
“What do you think you’ll do next?”

These words don’t mean you agree with the mistake. They mean you care about the person. They tell your grandchild, “You’re safe with me.”

When kids feel safe, they keep talking. When adult children feel respected, they open up more. And here’s the beautiful part—your wisdom doesn’t disappear just because you didn’t say it right away. It’s still there. It just arrives softly, when it’s welcome.

When You’re Still Right—and How to Let That Be Enough

Let’s be honest: sometimes, you really were right. You saw it coming. You warned them. And yes, part of you wants that acknowledged.

But being right doesn’t always need to be spoken out loud.

Your wisdom can live quietly inside you. It doesn’t need proof in the moment. You don’t need validation from a mistake someone else is already hurting from.

Sometimes love looks like sitting quietly. Sometimes it looks like a gentle nod. Sometimes it looks like saying nothing at all.

And that’s okay—because wisdom can wait. It isn’t going anywhere. When the time is right, your words will matter even more, because they’ll come wrapped in trust.

A Short Grandma Story

Naomi, a grandma from Michigan, shared a moment she still thinks about often.

Her adult son called her one evening, later than usual. She could hear it in his voice right away—something was wrong. As he started talking, her heart sank. A decision he’d made had blown up, just like she had feared. Money was involved. Stress was high. He felt embarrassed, frustrated, and worn down.

As Linda listened, she felt that familiar urge rise up inside her. She had warned him. She had gently suggested another path. She had even lost sleep over it at the time. The words “I told you so” were right there, ready to spill out. Part of her wanted him to understand that her worry had been valid.

But she also heard something else in his voice.

He didn’t call to be corrected.
He didn’t call to be reminded of his mistake.
He called because he was hurting.

So Linda took a deep breath. She swallowed the words she wanted to say and instead said softly, “I’m really sorry. That must feel awful.”

There was a long pause on the other end of the line. Long enough that she wondered if the call had dropped.

Then her son let out a heavy sigh and said, “Yeah… it really does.”

And then something changed.

He kept talking. He shared more details. He admitted how scared he felt. He talked about the pressure he was under and how alone he’d been feeling. Linda mostly listened. She didn’t rush him. She didn’t fix it. She just stayed with him in that moment.

When the call finally ended, her son said something she didn’t expect:
“Thanks for listening, Mom. I didn’t feel judged.”

Linda told me that sentence stayed with her.

She realized that night that choosing empathy didn’t make her wisdom disappear. It didn’t make her less of a mother. It made her a safe place again—just like when he was little and came to her with scraped knees and broken toys.

Now, she says she still has advice. She still has opinions. But she waits. And more often than not, her son comes back later and asks for her thoughts—because he knows her love comes first.

Choosing Connection Over Being Right

If you’ve ever caught yourself saying “I told you so,” or wanting to say it, please hear this first: your heart is in the right place. You speak from love. From experience. From a deep desire to protect the people you care about most. That matters.

This isn’t about being perfect with your words. No grandma gets it right every time. What matters are the small shifts—pausing for a moment, choosing comfort before correction, and leading with love instead of lessons.

You don’t have to stop being wise. You don’t have to swallow your feelings. Sometimes all it takes is one gentle response instead of a sharp one. One moment where you listen a little longer than you speak.

And here’s the beautiful truth: grandkids won’t remember every mistake they made. They won’t remember every wrong choice or bad decision. But they will remember how they felt when they came to you.

They’ll remember whether your voice felt safe.
They’ll remember whether your arms felt open.
They’ll remember whether your home—and your heart—felt like a soft place to land.

And long after the mistake is forgotten, that feeling of safety will still be there.

Read Also: The Quiet Words That Make Adult Children Feel Respected—And Finally Open Up

Sharing is caring!