I always ask my son this one question after playdates – but when another mom heard me, I froze

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This story was kindly shared by one of our readers. It reflects their personal experience and perspective.

I picked up my son from a playdate the other week, just like I always do.

As we walked toward the car, I knelt down so we were eye to eye. I leaned in a little, the way I do when I really want him to know I care.

Then I asked him the one question I always ask—not “Did you have fun?”

I asked, “Did you feel safe?”

But this time, before he could say a word, another voice spoke up. The mom whose house he’d been at came running out with his coat. She’d heard me ask.

And in that little moment, I froze.

My safety question wasn’t meant to offend.

For a moment, we just stood there, staring at each other. She looked at me like she couldn’t quite decide whether to feel offended, confused, or maybe even a little amused.

I mumbled something about the coat, buckled my son into his car seat, tossed out a quick, “Thanks for having him!” and drove away in silence—completely mortified.

Here’s the thing. I wasn’t asking if she was unsafe. I wasn’t accusing her of running some kind of secret fight club in the living room.

I was just doing what I’ve always done since my son was old enough to go to someone else’s house. I was reminding him that his feelings matter—and that if something ever feels wrong, he can always tell me.

It might sound like a big question for a seven-year-old, but it’s really not. It’s just a simple check-in, tucked between the usual ones like “What did you have for dinner?” or “Did anyone actually eat the cucumber sticks?”

And yes, I’ve shared before why I don’t let him do sleepovers yet. It’s the same logic. I don’t care how normal they are—if he’s not ready, or I’m not ready, that’s okay. Sleepovers can wait.

I’m showing my child he can always tell me.

What can’t wait is teaching him that he has the right to speak up if something doesn’t feel right.

Child psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy talks about this a lot. She reminds parents that kids need to know we want to hear their stories—even the hard or uncomfortable ones. And the best part? It’s never too late to start.

In her words, “You can start today.” That line really stuck with me. It means that even if you’ve never asked your child before, you can begin now. Just open the door and keep it open.

That’s what I’m trying to do with my son. When I ask, “Did you feel safe?” I’m really telling him two important things:

• His safety matters to me, even when I’m not there.
• He always has permission to tell me if something didn’t feel right.

Does this make me the “intense” mom on the playground?

I even tell my son ahead of time—and I tell the grown-up he’s with too—that if he ever wants to call me, he can. No drama. No questions asked. If he wants to come home, I’ll be there to pick him up. That way, he never has to worry about hurting someone’s feelings just to feel safe.

When we host a playdate, I make sure the other parent knows exactly what to expect. I let them know I’m the only adult in the house until my husband gets home at 5:30 p.m. No surprise guests. No other adults.

Does that make me the intense, slightly awkward mom at the playground? Probably. Do I care? Not really.

The coat-retrieving mom might have thought I was a bit much, but honestly, I’d rather risk that tiny moment of embarrassment than have my son ever feel unsure about talking to me.

Because one day, he won’t be seven anymore. He’ll be a teenager at a party… or in his twenties, figuring out the world. And if he’s already learned how to use his voice and tell me when something feels wrong, then that one awkward silence in the driveway will have been worth it.

So yes, I’ll keep asking. Every single time. Even if other moms overhear. Even if they raise an eyebrow. Even if I want to crawl into the glove compartment afterward.

And who knows? Maybe one day they’ll start asking their kids too.

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